Soon after becoming a labor/birth doula, I expanded my training and started providing postpartum support for families. Going into that work, I thought I knew exactly what my role as a postpartum doula would be and how I would approach that support. For example, when we talk about postpartum doula support, we describe our role as follows: a postpartum doula provides families with newborns support by caring for the baby, caring for mom, providing feeding support as well as some light housekeeping. Simple enough, right?
Now that I’ve been working as a postpartum doula for over five years, I’ve seen this role shift drastically from what my preconceived notion of a postpartum doula could be. The role we as postpartum doulas play has morphed into something so much more important and nuanced than overnight support and breastfeeding! I began to notice very quickly that the support I provided for each family looked different. Some families needed help with the baby, others needed help around the house, some parents needed help with sibling care, while others needed housekeeping and meal prep so their time could be spent bonding with their baby. Every family was different, just as everyone’s needs were different.
Interestingly, a few years into my postpartum journey I noticed something when I started with each new family. I noticed the slight and slow-moving separation creeping in between the parents present when I arrived. Whether it was an inability to communicate the way they used to because both parents were sleep deprived and just making their way as zombies through the day, or because their roles had shifted from a couple to new parents in the blink of an eye. And more often than not, I found parents being separated at night for the convenience of feeding a newborn so that the working parent could get a good nights’ rest. I have seen so many twin beds in the nursery. And so many parents who sleep in separate rooms on different floors or opposite sides of the house to allow for one parent to rest up while the other tends to baby. It occurred to me that having a baby not only impacts a parent’s day to day lives, but can also impact a couple’s relationship and sometimes, in not-so-positive ways.
So I began to wonder:
What can I do as a doula to support families in a more meaningful and long-lasting way?
According to a study done by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and marriage researcher, a “staggering 67% of couples…reported a decline in relationship satisfaction after the arrival of their first baby.” And that “the decline usually shows up between six months (for women) and nine months (for men) after the baby comes home.”
The postpartum period is roughly defined as the first six months after birth while signs of postpartum mood disorders can appear anytime in the first YEAR after birth. Did you know that men can suffer from Postpartum Depression as well?
Doctor Gottman’s research suggests that new parents have a better chance at preserving their marriages if they recognize and prepare for four very inevitable hurdles.
Want to know how your postpartum doula can help you navigate and overcome these hurdles? Keep reading!
You may not be aware of how the baby changes your family and individual identity.
As a postpartum doula, a large portion of my time is spent connecting with new moms, listening to them, supporting them, validating their feelings and helping guide them through the sometimes confusing transition from woman to mother.
You may not talk about the tensions a new baby causes.
There’s something to the phrase, “it takes a village.” We have somehow forgotten this and feel shame, like we’re bad or inept parents, if we ask for help. Babies are miracles! They are adorable, they smell amazing and they are a little piece of our heart living outside our bodies. However, they’re also demanding, exhausting and they LOVE to keep you awake at night. As a postpartum doula, I can help alleviate some of that tension not only by helping in the traditional doula role, but by allowing couples the ability to spend time together without the stress of the new baby. Most importantly, during postpartum overnight support, couples can spend the night in the same bed which is something that doesn’t happen often in the postpartum period and can take a huge toll on a relationship.
You may not take care of your health and well-being as individuals or a couple.
Just because you are new parents doesn’t mean you aren’t also a couple who needs time together to keep your bond strong. As a postpartum doula I am able to facilitate that alone time for couples. Whether it be caring for the baby so mom and dad can sit down and enjoy a meal together or for parents who aren’t yet ready to leave home, it looks like giving them some time alone for an “at home date night” with take-out and a movie while your baby is with an experienced doula just a few rooms away. Beyond relationship-prioritizing, making sure both parents are doing what’s necessary to maintain good self-care is paramount. Sometimes that means a nap or sleeping in and other times that simply means helping them find time for a shower.
New fathers will sometimes withdraw.
This can happen for myriad reasons. Oftentimes the non-birthing parent can feel left out or feel their role is not as important as the birthing parent. In times like these it’s important for the non-birthing parent to find other ways to help out, like diapering, feeding, or simply snuggling. Whatever that looks like for you, the most crucial thing to remember is to prioritize simple ways to bond with your baby, regardless of if you’re the birthing parent or not. Having a postpartum doula who can help with meal prep, light housekeeping, laundry and dishes will ensure your time can be spent where it’s most needed, with your partner and your newborn, bonding and enjoying the most recent addition to your beautiful new family!
According to Gottman, “The first seven years of any relationship is more fragile than you think. And if you’re adding a baby to the mix, you need to be more careful to nurture the relationship much like you will the baby itself.” (Zach Brittle, The Washington Post) Hiring a postpartum doula is the first step in ensuring you have the time, resources and support to do just that.
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